cue the thing. and the other thing.

I was in tech for my show this weekend. Last push to get it right before Friday, starts tomorrow.

So tired.

so verrrrrryyyyy

It's July. JULY. I am a bad blogger. i have not even read some blogs in months. Most blogs. Pretty much every blog is unread. I have been busy. I was in a couple shows, both came out very nicely. I produced my theatre company's first show. It was very great. A lot of very's. Very very happy to be done with the spring. I always try to not bring parenthood into the subject of my theatre pursuits, but the plain truth is that doing back to back shows and working and running the theatre company is enough for anyone. But add to that my smallers and it can feel like one is being drawn and quartered.

I have decided to take the summer off. As much as I can at least. No performing. It's always hard to say no to a part, hell even an audition. But I am so burnt right now i might crumble to a pile of ash if I take on anything else.

Plus I like having a little more hang time with the smallers. They are cool. I promise to publish the 'Summer To Do List' soon. I have had multiple folks ask about it. Yes it is written, and yes it is on the fridge, and yes we have already checked off a bunch.

My buddy P wants to hang out next week. I said 'Absolutely - just don't make me go to a show.' I want to sit in the sunshine or soak in some night air and do something that is not ART.

You can't make me.

hardy har hard

Two nights ago we had that rehearsal where you just cannot stop giggling. On stage, fighting the urge to laugh is so much worse than fighting... say... the urge to cry, or yell, which might have some real dramatic value. Breaking with laughter - not helpful. Yes its funny, yes its fun. But it also gets frustrating, because you just want to get through the scene. There are some fairly hysterical moments in this show, and it can be just as hard to be funny, as it can be to watch the funniness without breaking.

Heir director would just stop us. Tell us to breathe, and then say 'Are you all done now?'.

Yes. Breathing. Want to laugh, but breathing instead. Bite inside of cheeks. Look at scene partners forehead, not in his eyes. Ignore the designer's muffled laughter from off stage. Breathe. And. Get. Through. The. Scene.

transgression

Disrupt the cliche and cluttered minds.

h/t DevilVet

the future is close to home

I am going to head over and see Daisy's show next week. I am curious to see what the piece is like because I have felt like the discourse surrounding the show has become become fairly hyper at times. Its about time we have this conversation here, and it is a discussion I look forward to hearing. Heck, I may even stay for the round table discussion, even though I am going on the 'state of the union' night and not the '2034' discussion night, which I would rather hear.

My belief is that the future of American theatre may very well be regional. No, let me restate that, because regional implies that it is still in an urban setting. How about 'local theatre'. There is a vast population of educated, cultural people who do not live in cities. Movie theatres are abundant in every town, but not theatre companies.

When I dreamt of my theatre company I was centererd on it mission and the artistic realization of that mission. When I started out founding it, I did mostly market and demographic research of the area in which I wanted to establish the theatre. I have always had strong opinions about theatre, and about wanting to make theatre. That love for theatre, however, was not part of the answer to the question "How will this flourish?". I chose to create it outside of the city limits, and modeled my growth goals after other thriving theatres in the 'burbs.

It has occured to me for years that part of the reason that theatre audiences are dwindling has everything to do with location. My thought is that audiences are not actually dwindling as much as they are spreading out. As the urban sprawl continues so does the aggravation over commuting. I know that I currently commute into DC for every acting job I take, and its not easy. When I did a breakdown of education, cultural interests, and median income, I found that the outerlying suburbs of DC offered a very likely population of theatre goers. All of whom do not want to haul into the city to go to the theatre. They have to be hard core theatre lovers to stray that far from home after their work week. There is, of course, the ticket price issue as well. In my mind if I offered a resonable ticket price, free parking, and an easy commute, it would make theatre going the entertainment it is supposed to be instead of the chore it can become.

Case in point. I recently went to see a friends show at Woolly Mammoth. With both STC's stages going full swing, Verizon Centers events and Woolly's shows, the parking there has become nightmarish. Add to that the fact that many parking garages close at 9 and yeesh! I was 20 minutes late and so over it all by the time I took my seat (FYI, the remainder that I saw of BOOM was wonderfully done).

Why is it that as the population of this country spreads out, as do the coffee houses, bars, restaurants, movie theaters, yoga studios, and high end grocery stores, the theatre stays rooted in the city? Do we think folks living outside the city are just not that into us? I think they are just making do until something they really like comes along. The county I live in has been in the top three fastest growing counties in the U.S. for over 5 years. The folks who are moving my way are mostly former city dwellers - oh and their democrats as well (give it up for a recently BLUE Virginia!).

Here's hoping I am right and this new company becomes their new stomping grounds.

surf, bread, water...

It's been too long.

The theatre company is moving and grooving. After our last board meeting I had my first big breath of 'It's all going to work out'. Having them look at the budget I proposed and not go screaming from the room was the first good sign. Them all thinking that the amount was manageable during these volatile economic times was simply fantastic. I know that in years to come I may disagree with my board and we may duke it out over some things I feel very staunchly on, but this group of eight people were awesome. They listened, challenged me with thoughtful and helpful questions, aided me in some tough choices and then put their support behind the agenda and MONEY for the next year. I am deeply grateful to have this group.

Artistically we are still simmering. We have a few pots on the burners. This first full production is in May and is already shaping up to be wonderful - great director and design team signed on and almost fully cast - so much amazing talent. Meanwhile we have a slew of other small events and readings helping us get our name out there and giving us the chance to work with a lot of great folks.

Of course as soon as I decided to go full throttle with this company a bunch of acting opportunities started cropping up. Raining and pouring. It is always a struggle to pick and choose projects. I know that I would rather be in the situation of having to choose, but having to let go of an opportunity always hurts... and to top it of, these are great parts. Gggaarrrgghhh! Where were these parts when I had that 7 month lull?! It always works like this.

And in other news... I have not done one thing for the holidays. Not one. Its shaping up to be the best Christmas/Hannukah ever.

click, clickity, clunk

I have written a couple starts to my 'Farewell to Blogging' post, and find that I just can't do it. I can't let go. Since starting the theatre company I write like have not written since...well ever.

I write passion statements, mission statements, donor letters, budgets, grant proposals, contracts, bylaws, fundraising strategies, marketing material, web content, play synopses, emails, emails, emails, project proposals, code of ethics, agendas, and emails, emails, emails. I am burning out all the time and have little...well ok, nothing left that I feel the need to write about. I wish I could just have a conversation instead of having to type. But I don't want to talk about the theatre company; because I spend every day pitching it, and selling it, and convincing people to give me money, and space, and time and stuff, for it.

I would rather talk about what you are doing. I really, really would.

I hope you are well bloggy folk. I still read what you are writing, even if I am off the radar. I read your hi jinks, Isaac, and yours too, Matt. I keep up with you, Adam, and you Sheila (can't wait to meet the kid in person when your in town next). I can't stop visiting Dup, just to see how the west coast is going, and I am so sad that Rorschach has taken a blogging hiatus (I miss their tomfoolery). I keep up with Grote and Daisy and meander through countless other blogs as often as possible. I adore all you troublemakers.

But.... I cannot keep up with it all. I have smallers for Christ's sake. If you are in DC and want to chat. Let's go for a drink.

So I am not saying goodbye, but I am continuing my break, sabbatical, what have you. Keep blogging and talk to you soon.

bits o' tid

What a summer! Still slogging through a ton of stuff. Shows, writing, reading, designing, blah blah. But for the moment...

Indy theatre in NYC gets organized. h/t Freeman

In fairly disturbing news, ads are the new edgy theatre. Come to think of it, this may be a good way to fund an entire season. Imagine just doing ads for two hours at a pop. Who says its not artsy?! Fine it may not be artsy...but is it fartsy?

And, phew, this came back a week or two after it went down. Now I can breath easy and look at food porn again. It's like the good old days, only now I appreciate it even more.

a well a well a well a huh

I am in the belly of THE MAN's house as I type this post. My last day. Oh wait...did I say that right? YES I DID! This. Is. My. Last. Day. Working on this contract. I never have to come here again. Hallefrickinlujah!

I cannot explain to you what this gray, fluorescent dungeon does to me. I feel pastey and dry and cardboardy when I am here. THE MAN wants to take away my spark, chutzpah, charm, the thing that makes me, me.

But enough. I am here writing on THE MAN's dime, and then I shall walk out into the sunshine and be free. Free to soak in the summer with the smallers in between my busy nights. The smallers have put together their annual 'Summer To Do' list, which I will be sure to share at a later time.

So, yes, I have been busy. I have had some big graphic design jobs, rehearsals for my summer show as well as for one of the pieces in the Source Festival.

Now I plug something I think is way cool. The Source Festival. Go to it. The building looks amazing and the lineup of artists is so rock and roll that it makes me feel like I am uber groovy for being in there with them.

The other thing I have been busy with is my new baby. You heard it here folks. I have given birth to a bouncing baby theatre company! I will pass out cigars once our non profit status is finalized. Yup, we have a board and bylaws, a website in the building, and a million other things I won't name, and all the crazy amount of work that one could ask for in five lifetimes. But she is here and she is already loved, and she is already proving to be a lot of trouble, but gosh darn it she is going to grow up to be beautiful. She has so much potential.

For the moment that is all the sharing I got in me. More soon.

pretty penny

This idea that we value art at the expense of the artist keeps rattling around my head. I can't make it go away.

I watched a documentary this past weekend called My Kid Could Paint That. The art four year old Marla created was beautiful. Just gorgeous. I, for one, think she did the work. I have seen some amazing things come from my own smallers and they are definitely not geniuses. They just love color and shape and big ideas. The father's need to share her art in such a big way was disturbing in its obvious self aggrandizement. It was fairly repulsive to watch the media build her into a genius and then tear her down to a sham. Luckily she seemed oblivious to all of it. It was also hard to watch the mother who had such solid instincts about protecting her child and was continually talked out of them.

The art, we can except. But the artist, that human person, is so tragically flawed. Even if it is a child, there is this need to reel them in. It is ok to create the greatness, to have that moment, but as soon as we try to exist as a companion to that greatness we run into trouble. There is only the small percentage of us that can make it to the level where the art that is created is as worthy as the artist that creates it.

How can we increase the value of the artist?

I am looking for answers.

i also juggle

In my last post I spoke about the value if the artist, so now go and read Mike Daisy and the correlating article.

Is it such a strange thing to believe that artists be paid for their job? It speaks to the entire question of the necessity of art. Try as people might to debate that question, it is fairly irrelevant, being that art does exist and has since the beginning of man, hence confirming that there is some innate need for it. Why we need it, is what makes it so damn interesting.

Conversely, there is also an artist's need to do it. Doing great art is like doing crack. An addictive, supreme high. So you go searching for more.

I remember an audition I had a couple years ago. When I first got back to acting after my hiatus at home with smallers. To get to the audition I had to park on a dimly lit street and walk down a dark alleyway that was littered with trash and debris. When I got to the back door of the audition space there was no light to help me find the steps up to the door. I moved slowly in the dark and carefully felt for each step before committing to moving upward. Once I got to the door and opened it I found a dimly lit warehouse space. Dirty and stuffy. We were supposed to do a lot of movement, and I could actually see the dust in the air. When I looked around the room, I knew many of the actors. We had all made the trek to this place. The play and the company were something we all were interested in. But in that moment all I could think was. 'WHAT THE HELL!". I am better than this. Not more important, not self important. Just important. I have worth. I am worth good working conditions and good health, and safe working environments.

I thought about my smallers at home, and how I could be there with them. I thought of a staged reading I turned down for the night because of this audition -a fun read in a nice theatre space. I thought of my car and the fact that several had been broken into in this area recently. I thought of rehearsing this show in this space in the heat of summer with no air conditioning and what it would do to my lungs to inhale so much of this mottled air. Still I auditioned, because its so hard to turn away from a chance, even one such as that.

What does it say of our value when we do this to ourselves. Yes, I have passion for my art. Why the hell else would I follow that sad bunny trail above. We can talk about the value of paying the artist well, and that does matter. It is huge. But I also think that many artists come from a place of devaluing themselves. It makes sense. We work in a field of constant rejection. For every victory there are ten misses. We are used to not getting what we want. Is that why we accept those conditions? Let me also say that the company that ran that audition are great people. I like them, and I like their work. They are struggling to pay the bills too, and even in the face of that put up lovely productions.

Fast forward.

I was eating dinner with the Assistant Director of my current understudy gig in the midst of those rehearsals, and he complimented me on my work; to which I quickly demurred. I think I may have even rolled my eyes. I started to say 'Its not real acting, I am just a placeholder, etc' (I am not fond of understudying). He stopped me and said '95% of the world cannot do what you do, even less can handle classical text the way you do, don't diminish that'. He was right. It should not be reduced, and I do it all the time.

The last thing Daisy was doing in his article was being reductive. If anything he is fighting against all of us that accept this status quo. We should not be apologizing for our need to do art, we should not mitigate its effect, or its purpose.

I feel like he is asking us to grow a pair.

Well done.

the race

I have not been blogging a lot, or anything of any real value lately. This is not to say I am quitting. I don’t think I am ready to throw in the towel, but things here are busy and I keep wondering, with every new thing I take on, what is going to drop.

I realize how much artists in today’s world are beggars and choosers. Both. Not just jacks or all trades, but we alternate between feast and famine. This shows how rusty my writing skills are…look at those last two sentences – egads, that is a lot of old sayings to fall back on.

I have started something new. I can’t say what it is yet, so that is what I will call it – something new. And it is new - ‘like a naked new born babe’ as Macbeth intones – so fledgling, so raw that a harsh breath or a wrong step could dissolve it like sugar in water. But it will require much of my time, as all new creations do.

Meanwhile it is audition season so I am constantly pouring over sides, and running to and fro, and I have freelance graphic jobs on my plate, and kids, and contract hours to put in, oh right, and I am still understudying. So things like blogs, running, reading books and making cute earrings fall to the wayside. So today I have tried to do some of that. I took the smallers to the library and got way too many books, started reading Fortress of Solitude, made myself three pairs of earrings, and lookie here – a blog entry.

Still, I go back to that thought: something will drop, or fail, or be compromised. I have watched many an actor run from day job, to rehearsal, scarf down an unhealthy dinner, and then race home to try and sleep a little before doing it all over again. It brings to mind Mike Daisy’s recent article. We take side coaching gigs, and teaching jobs, we work events and trade shows, we randomly work patient simulation and wait tables, or work temp jobs. We do everything and anything, so how will we ever master one thing?

We are constantly talking about the value of of art, but what about the value of the artist? I think of that last moment in Being Julia when Annett Benning has that perfect flash across her face of victory, loss, regret, exhaustion...whatever that brilliant thought was. It was perfect. I think, will I ever have that moment when I am always going to be running in fifteen different directions? The ability to have complete attention to one thing eludes me, so how can I ever achieve a moment of purity.

But such is life, and so away I go... gaining speed, and I'm off.

chopping onions is highly theatrical

On Wednesday I did a staged reading, which was great fun. Afterwards there was a talk back which was supposed to be for the playwright's benefit, but some lady in the audience decided to hijack the conversation and make it about 'What is theatre?' instead. It was very frustrating. Hello moderator? Please step in.

It was a little like this, only not funny and not entertaining, and unlike with this, I just wanted to leave and get a drink.



h/t Matt Freeman.

turn it upside down

What are you excited to watch? I find at this time of year, the other 'blah' that I face is my inability to get excited about any theatre that is out there. That is not to say that there is not really great stuff to watch, just that when I feel like hibernating I tend to not make a great audience member. So to try and combat my doldrums I would love to hear, from anyone out there, what your favorite shows running are. Oh hell, give me your top five from the year.

i heard that

There are certain behaviors one should avoid in the auditioning room. Some, perhaps, are unavoidable. At my most recent audition one of the other women auditioning, farted. An audible fart. The auditor heard it. We all heard it. She was not embarrassed. She said a simple 'excuse me' and went on looking over her sides. I chalked it up to a natural occurrence. It is natural after all. These things do happen. But I thought how much I would hate being the auditor in that moment. Maybe it is because I have a tendency toward a 5 year old's humour. Maybe because fart jokes are a staple in my conversations with my smallers. But maybe it is because it is hard to forget any behavior in the auditioning room, that is not positive. It is hard to let go of a moment that does not reflect well on a person. Not that flatulence reflects poorly, but I dare say it is not stellar. It is easy to let it color the rest of the audition.

I hope she did really well and helped them forget.

that was something

So we are in the thick of it. Fall show openings abound and I am at the theatre plenty these days. We theatre artists have a vocabulary that we use to discuss plays we see, a vocabulary for congratulating our friends who have designed, directed, performed in said shows. It is hard to come up with new inventive ways of saying "I liked it" or "Not so much". I have heard from many of you about your secret code for when you don't like a show. I won't blow any one's cover, but the best was definitely from a cast mate this past summer. Her signature line when she hated a show and then was faced with awkward moment of seeing her friends afterward was...psych..I told you I would not tell. She would kill me.

But rest assured it was not any of these which I always joke about saying...

-You were acting!
-That was a play and you were in it!
-The whole time that the lights were on you I was, like, wow, you are bright!

My tell? It's..erm...huh...I have to go now.

adaptation is what its about

So much of what we see on stage these days is an adaptation. Same with movies of course. It has been an exceptionally rare case where I thought a book would be better as a movie, a movie as a play, a play as a movie. I honestly cannot remember one instance where I thought that the original would be better served in another media, save for The Godfather.

Now we not only make a movie from a play or book, we then take the movie and make it back into a play. Let me correct myself here. We take a musical and make it into a movie, then make it back into a musical, which will be remade into a film, no doubt, in another ten years. Where is the originality? Is there really nothing else to write about?

The latest in the endless cycle of commercialized spectacle is the High School Musical phenomenon. My Smallers love this thing. It makes me gag. This is a televised musical that is basically Grease updated. After its success on television it was made into the stage version, and the CD, and the book, and the ice show, and the toys, lunch boxes, back packs, you name it. It was in fact created not for artistic value, but for commercial. What can we say about the health of American theatre when the trend is to serve up blockbuster movies on stage?

Take a moment to read this article which is so much more eloquent than I am about this subject. What I love most are Margulies' thoughts about the imagination. Very worth five minutes of your day.

i said they said

At an audition a while ago I disagreed with a director about how to play a character. I did not say I disagreed, it was never verbalized, but when I started to read I saw immediately that my interpretation was not what they were looking for. Crikey, I thought, which one of us is off the mark? In my early years I would have said me. As I have continued on in this theatrical world I have come to realize that directors can be just as off the mark as actors can be. I did my best in that audition to navigate my way quickly to what this director was looking for. I left knowing I was not going to get the part. A part, mind you, that I would be great for. But I would not be great for it in that production. That much was clear. What frustrated me down the road was that I really felt that my take on it was right. I felt that what the director wanted for that role was a disservice to the play.

Then I had another audition very recently where the director asked me to tweak my reading, and gave me a description for the character that I thought was way off. Once again I found myself working against instinct. I left frustrated with the audition and annoyed with myself. In addition I walked away with a niggling worry that my instincts are off. This is of course the worst thing that can happen to an actor. I have come to trust in my instincts. They have done quite well for me. So you can imagine how this moment felt. In the end I choose to believe that we are all entitled to our opinion, and our best artistic opportunities happen when ideas mesh and interpretations coincide. My take on a role might be better for a show, but not if it is at odds with what a director wants; and playing a role against my instincts would result in a poor performance. There have been times where I come in to audition and the director has an idea for their show, but is waiting to see what an actor will bring to a role. Then there are those directors that know exactly what they want and if you don't hit it, then bye bye baby. Both are valid approaches to auditioning, and I have been the answer to both before, just not these times.

So bye bye baby.

greatness

In On It

Go see this show. So. So. Good.

entertainment

Parabasis asked for the one show that we would go see this weekend and I did not answer because I could not pick just one. Here are the ones on my list at this time.

References to Salvador Dali Make Me Hot (this weekend)

The Flu Season

Peter & Wendy (taking Small to this one)

In On It

Blue/Orange

...and coming soon...

Scenes From the Big Picture

Dead Man's Cell Phone

I will do my best to make it to all of these...we shall see.