don't use big words you don't get the irony of

How absolutely hysterical that the Bush administration is trying to start this trend?

It can only result in a response from the whole wide world that goes like this:

World: I know you are but what am I?

buff comfortable

I was at an audition recently and the form asked me whether or not I would be willing to do nudity for the role.

I know many actors have no problem with this, and have all faced this moment. The moment where you negotiate what you would be comfortable with, before starting a creative process. As a rule, I tend to say no when asked about nudity. Truth be told, however, there are some roles, that if done the right way, I would get naked for. Several have commented on the issue of nudity on stage. Playmaker weighed the pro's and cons of doing nudity for a bad role, but good theatre company. There is also Sheila's blessed rant which I quote all the time.

My bigger issue is with the fact that this was not mentioned in the audition invitation. There are a couple things that I would like to see added to an audition notice (some theatres are very good about including this information, but many are not).

The first is the nudity requirement. It wastes everyone's time if the director/play requires it and the actor is unwilling to do it. Why schedule an audition slot if you have no reason to? So it would save everyone a lot of hassle to just be up front about it.

The second is the callback requirement. I have been called in so many times and been unable to make the callback, at which point I get a response saying that callbacks are required to get the role (which in fact may be their way of saying they were not that into me, but regardless, it sucks). If the callback is a requirement to get the role, then the callback date should be in the audition invitation.

Lastly - and this is not for the audition invitation, but just something I would hope would be common sense, but will mention anyway. Physical intimacy on stage is something that should be approached very carefully between actors and with a great deal of respect. Just as stage combat should be. In an audition it would seem very wrong to attempt a punch, or a make out session. So it was surprising to me, when at this audition, that so many attempted it. It made me feel like a prude, but in the end my reading was cohesive and clear and there was no fumbling for paper while trying to straddle or slap someone I had never met.

Onward.

fumes are not negotiable

I want the Virginia legislature to be moved from Richmond to Tysons. Maybe if they had to actually endure a real Northern Virginia rush hour they would shut the hell up and fix some problems.

Kaine has called for compromise. The only compromise that should be happening about transportation in this state is who should bring the bagels and coffee on the day the legislature backs Kaine on his original proposals for a transportation overhaul.

I know regular readers of this blog tire of my constant harping on this issue and I promise that once we have a decent metro system and less carbon monoxide output I will desist posting about it.

why not everyone should get to make up a holiday

I am not a huge linker. I don't link a great deal, mostly because I am lazy and also because it means one is not able to get through whatever I write without interruption.

However, I will do so below because...

A) I am on a wee bit of a pirate binge.

B) The Argonaut on H Street is devoid of eye patches, and as a friend said..."It is not a bar about pirates, but rather a bar that pirates would go to."

C) Adam has pointed me toward a pirate play that is being sent to me as I write.

and lastly

D) I had no idea such a thing existed.

So to find out about International Talk Like a Pirate Day, click away.

jolly roger would know

In my life I have to interact with an inordinate amount of people who want to customize their kitchens and buy large diamonds. I have nothing against either of these endeavors, just as I have nothing against scrapbooking. I just don't enjoy discussing them. In those moments where these types of conversations go on for more than 10 minutes I try to leave, but if trapped, I try to glaze over. If that does not work and the other individuals involved insist on my input, then I try to say something so heinous that I am immediately thought of as an imbecile and not required to stay.

I could say something like...

I don't wear any jewelry that costs more than $20.

I don't care about the difference between a table bought at Target and one bought at Danker. If I can eat off of it, then it works.

Scrapbooking and football are the same thing to me. I am not aware when either one is going on.

Blackbeard used to put smoking gun powder under his hat to make himself look like something from hell and he spread a rumor that he was in league with the devil. His foes feared him so much that they would, many times, surrender before any shot had been fired.

H.L. Mencken said that... "Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats."

I am sorely tempted. I do feel that maybe piracy is an option that I have not explored, but I think I would use the smoke and mirrors tactics of Blackbeard, so I would not have to actually slit anyone's throat.

fill him up empty

Last night I was driving along North Capitol and I came to a stop at a light and was approached by a panhandler. This was, however, unlike anything I had been solicited with before. He was extremely thin and graying, but full of amazing energy. He B-lined for my car and while walking, with complete purpose, for me, he violently pointed to his wide open mouth and then after doing that for about 10 seconds he then bent over and clutched his stomach in gripping hunger pains. The entire mime was so intense it hit me like a ton of bricks. It scared the shit out of me. It wrenched me open. It made me lock my doors. It made me want to pour gravy and mashed potatoes into his cavernous insides.

Then as soon as he saw that I was not going to open my window, he quickly straightened up and dropped the entire act. He then began it again for the next car, and so on. I watched him go from car to car enacting this brutal dumbshow, with complete commitment one second and in the next breath letting it go.

When I got to the theatre (saw R & G Are Dead) I related the entire story to the group I met up with. One local actress told me that whenever she was approached by panhandlers, she wanted to give them performance notes instead of money. "You should make eye contact and articulate so that we can hear you. Also, to invoke more sympathy, it might help to move the pause until later in the sentence." She is right. This man I encountered should have followed through. His performance was gripping, albeit scary, but when he dropped the mask so easily...well it was all lost.

I don't mean to sound trite by deconstructing a person's fight for survival like it's a new guerilla theatre (even though that is what this unintentionally was). In fact, what I thought about during the rest of my drive was how insulated I was from him. In my air conditioned silver box, with my iPod blaring Bright Eyes, locking myself in and rolling away without recognizing him. I fully felt the inhumanity of not acknowleding his distraught entreaty. I feel ashamed.

If I see him again, I will pay him for his efforts.

I may also point him toward the League auditions and acting classes.

on the mind of smalls

Not all of these were answered. There were more, but these are all I can remember...

Why can't I ever finish a whole ice cream cone?

What is high tide?

Why is the moon allowed out during the day?

How do you make sand?

If a person chokes up (throws up) and poops at the same time, do they die?

What is gravity?

Is gravity really big?

Why don't I get to have caffeine?

What is low tide?

Is God tall enough to touch the bottom in the deep end of the pool?

When I grow up, can I be a frog?

Can you become a princess in college?

Is that 5-0 action?

If this boat sinks do we get to buy a new car?

Do sand crabs eat hot dog?

Why do hot dogs kill sand crabs?

Are there still pirates?

Where can I meet a pirate?

Are we there yet?

Why does the ocean care about the moon?

Why do girls pee sitting down?

Why do boys have nuts on their butts?

Why are married people existential?

What happened to my big hole?

Is that pee on my pillow?

Why am I so curious?

What is a space time continuum?

serenity now

I am away on vacation. I forgot to let you know.

It is very quiet here.

The pace of life borders on plodding.

It will be great for a little and then it will be time to move a little faster again.

I will not post much until after the 20th.

balladeer

I am getting ready to go on vacation. Packing and cleaning and canceling my paper delivery for the next two weeks. Meanwhile Smaller has written a song. He has been singing, without interruption for about 10 minutes. It goes like this.

I am a genius, I am a genius.
I am a genius, I am a genius.
I am a genius, I am a genius.
I am a genius, I am a genius.

I am a genius, I am a genius.
I am a genius, I am a genius.
I am a genius, I am a genius.
I am a genius, I am a genius.

Catchy, huh?